In remembrance

I don't want to remember.

Gruesome Fatality

And so my beast lays dormant, amongst gruesome fatalities, until the day I summon it to rise, and it consumes me once again.

Wonder where they went?

Them..?

Oh, them. The gremlins living under your bridge of peace and fluency. The gremlins not letting you sleep, those gremlins that chase all the good things away and snatch opportunity from your fingers.

I am grasping at fatality,
Lingering in reality,

Facing my mentality.

I used to lie like a fucking machine.

Why did I start cutting myself?

A few people I knew were doing it. I wanted to beat them, to steal their attention from them. I wanted all of it, fucking all of it. So I cut myself longer, I cut myself deeper, just enough to beat those sons of bitches.

I'm not prepared to answer anything else.

Admit?

Admittance.

Attendance.

Punctuality.

Fucking shit.

The Umbrella

And it stared out at me, from the depths of the solemn hell that shone from beneath the umbrella where all my emotions lay.

And it started at me, from the depths of the solemn hell that shone from beneath the umbrella where all my emotions lay.

And I stared at it, from the depths of the solemn hell that shone from beneath the umbrella where all my emotions reside.

So It began, from the depths of the solemn hell that shone from beneath the umbrella where all my emotions reside.

I stared at it, it stared at me, and we were the most confused beings on the face of the planet.

After a while, I thought, well..

"Hey, how's it going?" I said, well..

And it said, "Well.. I'm hungry. You never feed me."

Well..

So I said, "I want you to die."

And well..

It said, well.. It said "But I'm a being, just like you, and I need to be fed in order to survive."

And well..

I looked my addiction straight in it's grotesque face, from the depths of the solemn hell that shone from beneath the umbrella where all my emotions lay, and I said..

And I said, well..

"I want you to die."

And well..

Well, it said..

"Hell, woman. How could you ever want me to die?"

And so, well..

I said, "You're hurtin' me bad, hon, you can't live this way and neither can I."

Well..

Heh.

Well, well, well..

It went and said, "Hell, I give you peace, freedom of mind, love, happiness, friends, and.. Why don't you want me anymore?"

Heh.

And well,

Well, I went and said.. Well..

I said.. "I want YOU to DIE."

And you know what?

You wan' know what it did?

It went and died.

Right then, and right thurr.

The Inevitability of Punching Walls

It's like you know what's coming around that corner, after the hug in the hallway from a drunk friend at school, you know where you're going. You know where you're headed, it's like having a premonition of the worst kind. You just know that knuckles going to feel like it's bursting the fuck open, because you've chipped the bone so many times. You know you're going to wait, on the toilet, for any girls to leave. You know you're going to hit it once with your right hand for the pain, and then with the left, just to practice so you're not weaker on one side then the other.

It's like watching that movie, MADD, on drunk drivers. And then watching the guy on the third screen over roll a joint. It's feeling the taste of oregano turn into the taste of weed in your fucking mouth in cooking class. It's like losing everything you ever fucking fought for. Ever fucking fought for. Ever fucking fought the fuck for.

It's like hearing stories of sniffed pepper, and feeling the burn of cocaine in your fucking nose. It's like tasting the chemical residue of hairspray and wondering what the fuck you just did. It's like you're fucking falling to fucking pieces and no one gives a fucking shit about how what they do affects you.

It's like a fucking chain reaction that you can't fucking stop, and it hurts so fucking bad. It's like you've spent your year bottling everything up inside to try to stop the fucking pain, to try to stop wondering why they look at you, what they say, what they do when you're not there. It's like trying to stay after school just to know everyone's plans, just to know who you can fucking trust.

It's like..

It's like..

It's like...

FUCK!

The Suck

Keeping track of my thoughts is a most troublesome and difficult task.

Today, I cried. I cried and I cried and I cried.

Compassion, Christ, know it all.

Though they're screaming my name

You come to look at me, yet you know it’s been too long

You’ve left me alone to fend for myself too many times

I won’t let you attempt to console my fears

I won’t let you wreak havoc in this soul of mine

This is mine, and only mine.

You scream for deliverance, yet sin at the devil’s door

You burn my flesh, and still want more

I won’t let you lick the salt from my skin,

I won’t let you touch where earth caves in

I am my own; this is mine.

This is my epitomy, my grand demise

I can’t be spelt out, by your greedy eyes,

I have nothing to offer, and you rip me away,

This is my last dollar, please, please don’t make me stay.

Hey.

Peace,

For all those times we tried to off ourselves.

And David,

I love you buddy.

Number Me Blue or Green

I'm just here to protect myself,
If I seem like I'm not trying,
Just know that inside I'm dying,
To show you the way to the light,
Come with me now, let's take flight,
I am your soul protector,
Your shaman, hannibal lector
Let's not stray from the day,
Let's sit and discuss the fray,
I want to watch the sun rise,
Prepare myself for the day's demise,
Enjoy the peace before chaos sets in,
Ignore the cities loathful din.

Seconds that flew by

I played pool, I smoked, I drank, I made friends.

I lost them, I lost activity, I smoke.

What will it be next?

A cascade of cravings to topple my tower and throw my face in the dirt?

Strange music to temporarily banish loneliness?

Or, perhaps, solitude.

Solitude..

Oh my friend, why have you weakened your grasp on my reality? You were so protective, so warm, and sweet.

Oh, my one and only love, who knows?