I can't tell the difference between what's real and what's not,
This life of mine has taken all I've got,
Where will I be? How will I go?
What will I see? When will I know?
I used to think I had control over my small compromise,
Now it seems that what I had control over led to my demise,
Forgive me if I don't make much sense,
I can't think because my addiction is too dense,
All night forever I dream of my candy slipper,
Skies of the sea and streets changing hue,
Zebra hand bags turning to hair,
Long tendrils grasping the air.
Baggies in both hands and straws in my nose,
Mirrors laying on tables infront of me go,
Suck me dry I want your mind,
Time and time I find that it is their spell I want to bind.
How much longer will I last? These days they've got me thinking of my past,
How did time come to treat me so poorly?
I thought I did fine until I sought the dark orili.
She drew me in with calloused fingers,
I took comfort in that rough embrace,
Seeking anger to cover all my face,
I found I didn't have to deal with what lingered,
Beyond this tormented surface,
You will find a meadow, with elk and birds,
Where nothing murders and nothing hates,
Where there is a lonesome girl,
Who sits on a pedastool among the grass,
And whimpers silently as the sky above her is plagued by rats.
How could someone so harmless.. Come and pluck my harp strings so flawless.. Resonate the soothing sounds against my tormented soul.. Win my heart whom none have seen in years.. Cause me everytime we talk, to collapse in tears.
Is this not what I asked for all these months? A piece of love to hang onto? Perhaps I should have been more specefic in my requests, speaking more of something that would not end with so many pests.
- Christine
PS Tears come to my eyes but I know, I know I will never cry.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
My life's ordeal
Chrissa says:
So what made me change my mind about drugs was this night when I went to a band concert, with no intention of doing anytihng because I had started wrapping my head around the fact I was getting a bit out of control. I met up with my friend Sarah there and LO AND BEHOLD she was on e and she gratefully gave me her other cap for only 5$ 'cos she didn't need both, apparently it was really good e.
Chrissa says:
I wasn't drinking enough water, we were moshing, and I was out of my mind high. But no, I wasn't high enough, I sat down outside the band room to rest for a bit because I was getting worried, there was this guy sitting beside me and he was ripped so he gave me this random free cap. It looked like thge same e I had taken earlier, so instead of taking the whole cap to myself I split it with Sarah '
Chrissa says:
So I popped that, at this point I had had the equivilant of one bottle of water, maybe 600ml, but I was sweating buckets, so I go and mosh some more. Then I start getting really worried, I'm tripping out and I can't control my body anymore, I feel like I have super human strength. I was invincible, beside the fact I was overheating and I didn't know it and I thought I was going to die. I saw some
Chrissa says:
friends from school so I went outside, the bands van was there for sarahs boyfriends van so i go and sit in the back because I have to lie down for some reason (reason being my body was shutting down on me) I start talking, and realize I can't because my jaw is shaking so bad and I'm clenching my teeth so bad it should have hurt like a bitch but I couldn't feel a damn thing.
Chrissa says:
I smoke 6 cigarettes ina row and then the van starts moving, I realize I'm trapped insdie and start freaking out, (the van was simply pulling around the corner of the centre for god knows what reaosn)
Chrissa says:
So I'm starting to realize I'm out of my mind and I really need to get home, this is when I break out of the van, go to the front of the community centre, call my mom (took me a few tries, my hands were shaking so bad and I couldn't focus on the numbers) my friend Sarah's stnading infront of me slapping my face to keep me awake on the phone
Chrissa says:
After what seems like an eternity my mom arrives, almost immediately i tell her i have to go to the hospital. (when i was outside i put my sunglasses on, they fogged up so fast it was impossible), she asks me what I'd done I told her a cap and a half of e, she nearly cries. But knowing my mother, and knowing how strong she is, she gets me to the hostpital
Chrissa says:
There is a guard there as I sit and my mom fills out papers in the emergency room, this is when I start falling asleep and the guard has to come and yell at me, (I couldn't hear him from time to time) all I want to do is sleep, and it seems so tempting.
Chrissa says:
Finally I get a bed at the hospital and I strip down to my undies and put on a gown.
Chrissa says:
Usual questions asked after that, what did you do etc name etc why etc. I had been in that same hospital in September last year because I had tried to kill myself by swallowing 40 anti depressents gorund up in my dads coffee grinder and mixed with water. My parents were at a golf game.
Chrissa says:
They miss my vein for the IV two times before finally getting it in the crook of my arm (most unfortunate, later on in that.. early morning? it was horrible because i couldn't bend my arm) and so begins the process of staying awake, cooling down, and telling my mom everything that has happened
Chrissa says:
and everything that i've been doing behind her back etc, etc.
Chrissa says:
Uhm.. Right, so then I start tripping out because I see this lady with a cat but then it's a handbag.. And then I realize it's just her hair.
Chrissa says:
Later on still.. I'm starting to come to my senses and I must have peed like 46 times >.< An old woman gets wheeled in, having a real emergency, she's suffered a heart attack and she needs immediate medical attention
Chrissa says:
I saw her stop breathing, I heard her heart stop.
Chrissa says:
At school while I was waiting for the bus today, I took a smoke from one of the asian kids, and smoked it, and when I got on the bus (it was heated) I almost freak out because I think the kid's laced his smoke with something and it's my worst nightmare all over again and my moms in sotuh africa and she cant help me and i have to deal with my dad all alone
Chrissa says:
But I manage to realize it's just because I'm wearing a sweater and a relatively thick coat.
Chrissa says:
I get off the bus, walk to touchstone (where sarah is) only to be told that she isn't in the office until thursday, and that either I forgot or she forgot to tell me she wasn't here today.
Chrissa says:
So I wait outside in the freezing cold for my dad for twenty minutes.
So what made me change my mind about drugs was this night when I went to a band concert, with no intention of doing anytihng because I had started wrapping my head around the fact I was getting a bit out of control. I met up with my friend Sarah there and LO AND BEHOLD she was on e and she gratefully gave me her other cap for only 5$ 'cos she didn't need both, apparently it was really good e.
Chrissa says:
I wasn't drinking enough water, we were moshing, and I was out of my mind high. But no, I wasn't high enough, I sat down outside the band room to rest for a bit because I was getting worried, there was this guy sitting beside me and he was ripped so he gave me this random free cap. It looked like thge same e I had taken earlier, so instead of taking the whole cap to myself I split it with Sarah '
Chrissa says:
So I popped that, at this point I had had the equivilant of one bottle of water, maybe 600ml, but I was sweating buckets, so I go and mosh some more. Then I start getting really worried, I'm tripping out and I can't control my body anymore, I feel like I have super human strength. I was invincible, beside the fact I was overheating and I didn't know it and I thought I was going to die. I saw some
Chrissa says:
friends from school so I went outside, the bands van was there for sarahs boyfriends van so i go and sit in the back because I have to lie down for some reason (reason being my body was shutting down on me) I start talking, and realize I can't because my jaw is shaking so bad and I'm clenching my teeth so bad it should have hurt like a bitch but I couldn't feel a damn thing.
Chrissa says:
I smoke 6 cigarettes ina row and then the van starts moving, I realize I'm trapped insdie and start freaking out, (the van was simply pulling around the corner of the centre for god knows what reaosn)
Chrissa says:
So I'm starting to realize I'm out of my mind and I really need to get home, this is when I break out of the van, go to the front of the community centre, call my mom (took me a few tries, my hands were shaking so bad and I couldn't focus on the numbers) my friend Sarah's stnading infront of me slapping my face to keep me awake on the phone
Chrissa says:
After what seems like an eternity my mom arrives, almost immediately i tell her i have to go to the hospital. (when i was outside i put my sunglasses on, they fogged up so fast it was impossible), she asks me what I'd done I told her a cap and a half of e, she nearly cries. But knowing my mother, and knowing how strong she is, she gets me to the hostpital
Chrissa says:
There is a guard there as I sit and my mom fills out papers in the emergency room, this is when I start falling asleep and the guard has to come and yell at me, (I couldn't hear him from time to time) all I want to do is sleep, and it seems so tempting.
Chrissa says:
Finally I get a bed at the hospital and I strip down to my undies and put on a gown.
Chrissa says:
Usual questions asked after that, what did you do etc name etc why etc. I had been in that same hospital in September last year because I had tried to kill myself by swallowing 40 anti depressents gorund up in my dads coffee grinder and mixed with water. My parents were at a golf game.
Chrissa says:
They miss my vein for the IV two times before finally getting it in the crook of my arm (most unfortunate, later on in that.. early morning? it was horrible because i couldn't bend my arm) and so begins the process of staying awake, cooling down, and telling my mom everything that has happened
Chrissa says:
and everything that i've been doing behind her back etc, etc.
Chrissa says:
Uhm.. Right, so then I start tripping out because I see this lady with a cat but then it's a handbag.. And then I realize it's just her hair.
Chrissa says:
Later on still.. I'm starting to come to my senses and I must have peed like 46 times >.< An old woman gets wheeled in, having a real emergency, she's suffered a heart attack and she needs immediate medical attention
Chrissa says:
I saw her stop breathing, I heard her heart stop.
Chrissa says:
At school while I was waiting for the bus today, I took a smoke from one of the asian kids, and smoked it, and when I got on the bus (it was heated) I almost freak out because I think the kid's laced his smoke with something and it's my worst nightmare all over again and my moms in sotuh africa and she cant help me and i have to deal with my dad all alone
Chrissa says:
But I manage to realize it's just because I'm wearing a sweater and a relatively thick coat.
Chrissa says:
I get off the bus, walk to touchstone (where sarah is) only to be told that she isn't in the office until thursday, and that either I forgot or she forgot to tell me she wasn't here today.
Chrissa says:
So I wait outside in the freezing cold for my dad for twenty minutes.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Spin me round and rub my eyes
-School has been good, my mom left for South Africa on Monday. I was really sad about it and considered writing something in here, but I've managed to calm down and accept the fact that she's gone for the week.. My dad and I don't know how to do laundry.. the kitchen is a mess.. and I don't get tea in the morning! Lol. Later-
Friday, October 06, 2006
I'll go b-b-b-backwards.
-Art class this calm October morning is going well, I'm quite happy with the friends I have made and I will tell you of them in bullet point in the following.-
- Terry, the Montrealer with an old soul and lots to talk about.
- Amanda, whose mother is not to die for but finds happiness despite all she's gone through at the ripe age of 14.
-That's all I can take on my plate for now, yesterday while I was buying some popcorn from the vending machine Joshua came to me, large pupiled and ecstatic, our conversation went something similiar to..
"Hey Christine, (I stare him in the eyes, and take note of his enlarged pupils and happy mood), I guess we're not really friends anymore. (I say no) Well that's okay. I just want you to know, that on October 12th I'm coming clean of everything, cocaine and e, and I'm only going to smoke pot on weekends. (I keep staring blankly at the vending machine, trying to decide what to buy but my head is a mess of thought "Prove it to me", I say) "I love you Christine, I always will." (I turn to him briefly, knowing that it may be drugs talking and not himself, but the words shatter my shield and weaken me. My eyes water and my chin wobbles I don't look at him again and he leaves. Terry appears by my side and her presence strengthens me) "Christine? Are you okay? Christine you're scaring me." She says, and I finish buying my chips and slowly all my sad thoughts diminish into nothing.. We are going to go smoke a cigarette now. This is the third time I've come close to crying in the past week. Being clean is getting harder every day, each day draws me closer to the possibility of picking up a pipe or popping a pill. I can feel them dragging at my soul, tearing at my bones, I am weak.-
- Terry, the Montrealer with an old soul and lots to talk about.
- Amanda, whose mother is not to die for but finds happiness despite all she's gone through at the ripe age of 14.
-That's all I can take on my plate for now, yesterday while I was buying some popcorn from the vending machine Joshua came to me, large pupiled and ecstatic, our conversation went something similiar to..
"Hey Christine, (I stare him in the eyes, and take note of his enlarged pupils and happy mood), I guess we're not really friends anymore. (I say no) Well that's okay. I just want you to know, that on October 12th I'm coming clean of everything, cocaine and e, and I'm only going to smoke pot on weekends. (I keep staring blankly at the vending machine, trying to decide what to buy but my head is a mess of thought "Prove it to me", I say) "I love you Christine, I always will." (I turn to him briefly, knowing that it may be drugs talking and not himself, but the words shatter my shield and weaken me. My eyes water and my chin wobbles I don't look at him again and he leaves. Terry appears by my side and her presence strengthens me) "Christine? Are you okay? Christine you're scaring me." She says, and I finish buying my chips and slowly all my sad thoughts diminish into nothing.. We are going to go smoke a cigarette now. This is the third time I've come close to crying in the past week. Being clean is getting harder every day, each day draws me closer to the possibility of picking up a pipe or popping a pill. I can feel them dragging at my soul, tearing at my bones, I am weak.-
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